"Is this thing On?"

maiteoida @ 2009-12-23T11:10:00

2009-12-23T02:10:51Z

Was trying to update the design of a character, but...hmm. Not sure.

Lately I haven't been able to finish anything on the computer. Or really draw on the computer. :/ Not sure if this is good or not. What I do know is, when I get back for my vacation (with my mom!) I'm buying a scanner. And a toaster oven. But the most important thing is the scanner.

Will do a more substantial update later!

maiteoida @ 2009-11-03T18:41:00

2009-11-03T09:50:00Z

Just came back from a long overdue vacation to Tokyo! :3 I spent waaaaay too much money, but I regret nothing. I never knew how cheap Harajuku could be! Unfortunately, the cheaper something is, the more you buy, haha. But I got so many cute clothes, I'm just so happy. ;_;

I also went with friends to B. Lily Rose, my favorite butler cafe where girls dress up as guys (since it was on Halloween they were all dressed up as vampires and the like--very awesome) and Edelstein, the cafe where the waiters pretend to be boys at a German boarding school. It was ace. We were served by a 'first year' who was all nervous because apparently this was his first time at the place (whether that is true or not is up to debate, but it was cute so I don't care hahaha). Though I think he might have been a bit nervous because we were foreigners. XD; Nonetheless, it was a lot of fun!

Now I'm back at home preparing for my lessons tomorrow. Planning on teaching my kids about family members so I'm drawing pictures of a "mother", "father", "sister", "brother", "grandfather" and "grandmother". Though I'm a bit meh about tomorrow since it's at my least favorite school, I figure you can only dread so much--it's better to take things into your own hands. So hopefully with that in mind tomorrow will go smoothly. We'll see, I guess.

Also working on a belated Halloween picture for Overland, which won't see the light of day until I can finally buy that scanner I've been planning on getting my hands on. Oh well, next month.

Before I head to bed...

2009-10-18T16:58:39Z

The problem with LJ: we all think we are so close, but really, we know nothing about each other. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away.

Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don't know about you.

I love you, Intuos-kun

2009-09-28T15:31:48Z

Testing out my new tablet. Oh man, it's beautiful. You really don't know what you're missing out until you use it...after using a Graphire 2 for 6+ years. Wow. It's kind of hilarious though, since I'm actually trying to draw more on paper for the moment.

Speaking of which, I tried using real tones for the first time...since I was 14? I think? Man, I must have been really stupid or something when I was 14, because...it's not that hard. It's actually pretty fun! Though time-consuming. But it's infinitely more helpful now since I can just use the copier to print pages out instead of using a computer. Unfortunately, I don't have a scanner at the moment so I can't show anything, but yeah.

Now, to sleep! Because I have about four classes that I have to teach by myself tomorrow, yikes.

Effective communication is one of those things I suck at

2009-09-28T08:57:59Z

So I was going to do that "loves on" meme but I realized I haven't, like, actually...talked to anyone for a long time, so that would be stupid. And then I got sad. :( And then I resolved to comment more (which I still do), but I realized it has kinda been hard lately because whenever I'm not at work, everyone's freaking sleeping! And then I got sad again.

S-so! The point of this post is! If you want to chat, about anything, dude, let me hear it! Current events, whatever, let's talk!

...Even if you're about to wake up 5 hours from now, anytime is cool!

...in b4 no one replies and I cry myself to sleep, sob

I am alive!

2009-09-10T10:58:45Z

So I'm around, alive, and doing things.

I've kind of been avoiding posting anything, because my mood has been so up and down lately while I've been getting used to living here. Which is hilarious, because this is my third time in Japan! Where was this odd culture shock when I was first here? At any rate, it's been showing signs of gradually receding so I'm happy. :3

I think a good factor is because now I'm actually teaching. And it's so relieving, you have no idea. Having to sit in the teacher's room with absolutely nothing to do has been so excruciating, especially while my JHS was preparing for Sports Day. I felt so left out of everything, it was really getting to me. Now I actually have a purpose, and it feels good. Hopefully this feeling will last.

I teach at one junior high school and four elementaries, so five schools in total. I thought this would be difficult to juggle, but it's relatively simple since I spend most of my time at my JHS. The elementary schools are on rotation, so end up going to them every other week. The elementary kids are SO CUTE. You have no idea. It feels so great to teach them because they give you such a great reaction no matter what you do. This month has been all about me introducing myself, and it's hilarious the things that they end up getting exciting about. Like, when I mention that Ohio is next to Kentucky, they nearly explode in laughter because the only "Kentucky" they know is KFC, lol. Little things like that gets them so riled up, it's hard not to smile.

JHS...is not so easy to please, admittedly. They're getting to that age where being interested in things isn't so cool anymore, so their reaction is much more muted. But in the end they're still young, so when they find that they have something in common with me, they still get excited. Like this one kid in one of my second year classes, he got SO excited when I mentioned in passing that I like L'arc en Ciel lol. He was like, "What's your favorite song?!" And when I told him I like Hyde the best, he asked, "Okay, so what aspect of Hyde do you like the best?!". I was dignified and told him that I thought Hyde was really cool and I liked his voice because I didn't think it was appropriate to gush about his ABSOLUTE BEAUTY to a 13 year old boy, but...yes.

For all grades, the fact that I draw has helped me immensely with actually getting them to engage in conversation with me. It's no surprise that the elementary school kids get excited, but the JHS kids are just as drawn to it (that pun was totally unintentional l-lol) and that makes things a lot easier for me in the long run. It also helps that I speak Japanese so they're not afraid to talk to me, but the fact that they have something to talk to me about is crucial. One kid looked at my Lelouch picture and told me to draw Zero next, lol. And I got invited to the Art Club! I was hoping something like that would happen, because I wanted to interact with some of the kids outside of class as well.

I'm hoping that with some of these encounters I'll be able to weasel a bit of English out of them here and there, and if not, at least let them have a meaningful time with someone from outside their country. Little things like this can really change your perspective on things, so I hope that's what I'll be doing with them.

Incidentally, given my interests, I was asked (in English) if I was an otaku. OTL I...gracefully bowed out of that question. I'm so glad I removed that SUPAR GAY picture from my sketchbook, or I would be known for being a little more than an otaku pretty quickly hahaha...ha.

So I guess things are going pretty well! Now I need to see if I can get my hands on a cool Halloween costume for my inevitable Halloween class. Maybe I should dress up as an Otokoyaku again, hahaha.

Scanner advice

2009-08-18T12:08:58Z

Does anyone know of any a3 sized scanners that are, um, affordable? I want to return to drawing things by hand but I also like working with big sizes, most that don't fit in a normal a4 scanner. But all the options I've looked at (with the exception of the Mustek brand) have been waaaay over my budget. Anyone know of any cheaper options? Or does anyone have any experience with a Mustek scanner? I'm hesitating about that because it doesn't look like I can easily get my hands on that in Japan. But who knows?

So how about that Comiket, guys

2009-08-17T13:20:28Z

My body will hate me forever for being abused like it has over the past few days. Everwhere I walk now, I feel Comiket. It was hot and smelly and I'm surprised I didn't dislodge anything with the sheer amount of books I bought.

BUT.

That doesn't change the fact that it was AWESOME. For serious, guys, would abuse myself again to do that. I don't know if it was the armpit stench in the air or something but I was like a possessed fangirl demon out there, I shit you not. And the best thing? SO WAS EVERYBODY ELSE. It was quite nice to see how unified people were in their geekiness, haha. And I got to meet such awesome people while I was there! Tokyo may not be my favorite city in Japan, but when you're in company as good as what I had, things become ultra fun. We even got to draw together, eeee :D

Speaking of drawing, I may or may not hve bount an application to Comiket 77 (the next one). Um. We'll see how that goes, haha...ha.

In any case I needed the break so badly. I was getting so worn out and now I feel like my batteries have been recharged. This could also be because Takaoka's one day of sun was today and brightened up my spirits. Day after day of rain is tough. Hopefully tomorrow is like today, weather-wise. But I doubt it.

Ok, back to drooling over the OMG YES Persona 4 doujin I manages to get my hands on. Oh Ruru, you draw such delicious MCxYousuke ;_;

My boxes from home finally arrived! Now I have my art supplies back in hand, finally.

ただいま

2009-08-02T11:08:32Z

ANON MEME

I know I have one of these kind of in the front of my journal, but what the hey, I haven't done one of these in a while.

Currently in Tokyo, staying in Keio Plaza. Seems like JET Orientation is going to be long and involved, but whatever! I'm getting paid for this anyway, haha. Soon I'll finally get to see my apartment--can't wait for that!

So this is just a status update, haha. I'll have more to say when I'm not so exhausted from the plane ride.

maiteoida @ 2009-07-28T00:52:00

2009-07-28T05:01:08Z

Overland updated, for those who are interested.

About a week before my departure for Japan. I'm starting to feel a bit scared, as this is my first job ever and my first time living alone and my first...for a lot of things. I'm sure things will work out, but I can't help feeling anxious because that's just how I am.

In other news, I'm considering translating Overland in Japanese so a few of my friends in Japan can read it--and to practice a bit. Might be too lazy though, haha.

And in more unrelated news, I think I've fallen in love with the idea of getting a ScanSnap s300m. I've never even considered non-flatbed scanners! It's so portable and adorable, I'm seriously thinking of getting one while I'm in Tokyo at the beginning of next month. S-so cute.

Dur Hur

2009-07-15T01:11:20Z

So lately I've been having fun figuring out how characters in Overland would speak in Japanese. Sometime in the future I'm going to work on a short one-shot Overland comic to show to an editor in Japan (not for any big career purposes obviously, just for a portfolio review since it's possible to make appointments and since I'll be in Japan why not)

In any case, figuring this out is kind of fun because if there's one thing I love about Japanese it's the really different ways people can talk (I once considered referring to myself as "boku" until I realized that that was dumb and people would probably think I'm just incapable of speaking anyway). I figure Ari would use "boku" because he's polite (and I just...can't see him as an "ore" user), though in general he's probably a pretty casual speaker when he's not talking to higher-ups. Viktor is definitely "watashi", and would probably speak very politely, but in that...uh, faux/threatening polite way that you tend to see a lot (慇懃無礼, I think? Bitingly polite). Sophia is clearly "watakushi", and super polite. She was probably the easiest to figure out. Lily is another "watashi" ("atashi"?), but I can't figure out if she's polite or not when speaking generally (though the more I think of it, the more it seems she'd be pretty casual since she's an excitable kid).

Nagi (she appears in chapter 2, though I've drawn her...once, I think?) is a "boku" user and speaks casually. Noir (also in chapter 2, and yes, he's the same Noir from Cursed Blessings) is casual and uses "ore"...and I think that's it for the important characters so far. Not like any of this is really important in the long run, but I was bored and it made for amusing thoughts.

maiteoida @ 2009-07-13T22:24:00

2009-07-14T02:28:38Z

So, uh, Overland has finally updated. This page took stupidly long to finish because I was so distracted by Persona 4/New York to do anything worth anything, but as soooon as I left everything was fine lol. In any case, I'm hoping to do a page a week for a while, especially since I'll be busy with moving to Japan very soon. We'll see how everything works out.

Harry Potter 6 in a few days! Woo! Now I get to see the two scenes my cousin is in, haha.

Oh Hetalia

2009-07-04T15:47:08Z

There are all of these pictures with "HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA" on pixiv and it's so cute omg

maiteoida @ 2009-07-03T19:10:00

2009-07-03T23:17:36Z

Treadmill count: 650 calories burned today.

I know tomorrow's the 4th of July, but I wish I could go in :( Today was a lot easier than yesterday, and I'm not sure if it's because I did it yesterday or because I had some really catchy music playing while I was exercising (as...much as I hate to admit, The Pussycat Dolls have some really freaking catchy songs, I can't stop listening to Hush Hush; Hush Hush oh god) lol.

In any case, this isn't as painful as I thought it would be and I think I can keep it up, if I try. The only problem is I'm going to New York for all of next week...not sure how I'm supposed to keep it up then. I guess walking all over the city should help? I don't even know.

Inking practice

2009-07-03T05:17:06Z

...I was trying something new, but it took waaaay too long. :(

maiteoida @ 2009-07-01T22:13:00

2009-07-02T02:16:13Z

There's something beautiful about making food that you sincerely enjoy and is healthy. Guys, guys, I love this cooking thing so much. ;o; I loved it before, but I never did it that often and now that I know I'll be doing it most of the time I'm just so happy and excited omg.

...Though I know that once I'm tired and totally not up for making food for myself I will totally change my tune, but! For now, yaaaaay. ♥ ♥

In related news, spinach is a wonderful wonderful thing and everyone should eat it more often.

maiteoida @ 2009-06-29T22:28:00

2009-06-30T02:35:09Z

...Thanks guys. I'm feeling better. I had a talk with my Mom and we're going to see if we can make an appointment tomorrow. I'm probably just freaking out (as usual), but it will be nice to at least know what's going on. I should really know better than to self-diagnose myself (It's never lupus), but just making the comparisons was freaking me out and...yeah. Anyway! Not worth thinking about tonight, at least.

It did help to hear that Gyakuten Kenji is doing so well that they're considering a sequel--and that they are indeed working on Gyakuten Saiban 5! I love how Japan knows how to milk its cash cows.

Oh--and thanks to everyone who responded on my healthy food post the other day! I'm feeling so inspired--starting this week I'm going to try exercising 30 minutes each day. I've already started eating organic banana chips as an occasional snack, and they're wonderful. ♥ Tomorrow I hope to make a spinach tortilla wrap for lunch. We'll see how that goes.

What a day.

2009-06-26T00:38:46Z

RIP Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. It's really weird seeing two such big icons pass away like that. And so young too. I still remember jamming to Thriller as a kid--I wonder if kids these days even think of Michael Jackson that much? Time really does fly, doesn't it.

Oh Ari, you pedo

2009-06-25T05:09:38Z

Thanks for all the help guys!

...It's been a while since I've felt as inspired to just...draw like I've been lately. What a relief. At least something's working out. Not to say things are horrible, but I haven't been feeling too well lately for a number of reasons, so it's good that something positive is going on, haha.

maiteoida @ 2009-06-21T18:47:00

2009-06-21T23:04:44Z

When I remember my father the first thing I think of is his stomach. It may be a bit unflattering for him, but in my early years my favorite place to sleep was on his stomach. I would crawl on his lap and rest my head on it, and just listen. To his stomach making funny noises after he just finished eating, to his heart beating, and then I would fall asleep. It probably wasn't too comfortable for him, but he never complained.

The second thing I remember is his beard. The way it scratched my face when he bent down to kiss me, and how it made me absolutely convinced that if Santa Claus existed he would look like my father. To my chagrin it made people think he was my grandfather at times (and I would emphatically tell them otherwise), but in the end it was one of those defining features about him that I will never forget.

The third thing I remember is his songs. Apparently when he was young they used to call him Elvis (this never ceases to amuse me), though admittedly his songs never really reminded me of the rock star. Instead they are steeped in tradition, in a tongue that I was never taught, or simply silly tunes he made from my name because he knew how much I liked hearing about myself (I was a very narcissistic child, I'll admit).

My mother told me that she had a dream with him in it, a few months ago. She said that in it I was a child, and every time he came close to me I would walk away from him. He turned to her and told her to make sure I remember him.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy. I may have never been good at celebrating this day properly, but I will never, ever forget you.

Top 'o the morning to you

2009-06-21T14:09:03Z

...I'm not sure why I've never drawn Viktor in a top-hat before. It just makes so much sense.

Ellen

2009-06-18T04:19:36Z

Also, here, have a short story I was working on this semester that I ended up liking. It still needs some editing, but it's my favorite out of all I wrote for the class. It's been such a long time since I worked on a written story, and working on this made me kick myself for not doing it more. Anyway, here it is. It's called "Ellen".

The problem with Facebook, Maggie figured, was that it makes you feel compelled to rekindle old connections that probably were better off forgotten. She knew she should have trusted that weird feeling in her gut when she saw that Ellen Anderson (nee Lennox) had friended (she noticed how the verb was now “friend,” instead of “befriend”) her after 19 years of silence. The Ellen who she used to write stories with. The Ellen whose tears she would wipe after a particularly bad fight, whose thin hands she used to admire. The Ellen who disappeared from her life without a trace. That Ellen. It took her a few days to accept the friending request. She should have known it wasn’t a good idea to reopen that connection, electronically or otherwise.

And yet, there she was on her porch that morning, facing who she believed to be Ellen’s son with what clearly looked to be two large suitcases.

“You’re Margaret Hunter, right? My mother told me all about you.”

***

Resigning herself to her fate, Maggie ushered the boy into the house.

“You can sit at the counter if you want…Henry, was it?” Noticing Henry’s face flash with confusion she added, “I know you from your mom’s Facebook pictures.”

“Mom never knew if you checked that.”

Henry was Ellen’s child. This was even more apparent to Maggie now that he sat across from her. The slim frame, the slightly curly dark brown hair, the thick eyebrows, the mouth that always seemed to hint at a smile without quite getting there—hell, get rid of the pronoun “he” and you might as well have a clone of Ellen circa twenty years ago, Maggie thought. He had to be about fifteen. It struck her that he must be either very popular in school, or that one kid you see stuffed in lockers a lot. She guessed it was the latter. He looked like he’d fit in one, at any rate. She prepared two glasses of orange juice.

“So…”

“Maggie.” She handed him his glass.

“Maggie.” He said with all the awkwardness of a boy trying hard to be a man. “So Maggie, I know this is really sudden and everything but my mom said you’d be a lifesaver if you let me stay for a few weeks or so while I was in town.”

Just as she feared. Maggie cleared her throat, frowning.

“I don’t see why she couldn’t come ask me herself.”

“She died last Thursday.”

***

Ellen had been sick for a while. According to Henry, they had moved back here six months ago when Ellen’s condition turned serious. Maggie realized that it was around this time that Ellen decided to friend her on Facebook. Not that this explained where Ellen had been the past nineteen years, and why Maggie suddenly found herself saddled with babysitting duty. She bit her lip, feeling a wave of agitation. She tried to brush it away. Sudden as this was, it wasn’t as if the house couldn’t handle someone else staying in it. Maggie had inherited it from her mom and she always thought it was two sizes too big for her anyway. And there was something about the dead that made you feel like you owed them something. She sighed, rubbing her forehead. One last favor for Ellen.

“I don’t know why I’m doing this but you can take the guest room next to the study upstairs.”

Henry’s blue eyes lit up, his shoulders relaxed. “Thanks, Maggie.”

Maggie remembered that Ellen’s eyes were brown.

***

Maggie fancied herself a writer, though for the past three years she hadn’t actually written anything. But her mother had been a writer, and her grandmother before that, and they had all made a reasonable living for themselves writing so Maggie figured she must be a writer since it was in her blood. Years back, she’d promised to name the heroine in her first bestseller after Ellen. She had never given up that promise, but she had never produced a bestseller either. That night she dug the manuscript out from the garage and flipped through it while she and Henry ate dinner.

“What kind of sickness was it?”

“What?” Henry responded, as if shaken out of a reverie.

“I mean, was it cancer? Pneumonia? I feel like I should have a little more information here.”

Henry stared at her for a moment. “It was cancer. Truth is, I don’t even know that much myself,” Henry pushed his spaghetti around with his fork. “We woke up one day and she was sick.”

“What about your Dad?”

“I wouldn’t know. He left when I was too young to remember.”

Jeez, Ellen, could your life have been even more cliché? Maggie wanted to say. But she kept silent. As she glanced at Henry and took his existence in, she almost felt betrayed by Ellen. The very least she could have done was shown her face so Maggie could have knocked some sense into her. Ellen screwed up. It wasn’t supposed to go like this, not according to the story they wrote together. The story whose pages suddenly felt heavy with nineteen years of unrealized potential.

***

While it was true that they came here to treat Ellen’s sickness, the real reason was simply that Ellen wished to be buried in her hometown. And so she was. Henry would go visit his mother’s grave every other day, at ten in the morning. Maggie would have gone as well, but each time she asked, Henry would tell her that Ellen didn’t want anyone coming until her tombstone was completed. Maggie didn’t know what she would say to Ellen’s ghost anyway. But the fact that it was Henry who always prevented her from going bothered Maggie more than she cared to admit. Sometimes she wondered if she would feel better about this situation if Henry were a girl. She always figured that if Ellen really wanted a child, it would have been a girl. There was something unnatural about how much Henry looked like Ellen. Maggie tried to remember the face of that man who Ellen introduced her to before she left, but nothing came to mind. A forgettable man with no special features to pass on except for his gender. It was as if that faceless man that left them before Henry could talk decided he would forever leave his Y shaped mark on their lives. To transform Ellen’s likeness into his form so she would always be reminded that at one point of her life, she was his. Looking at Henry was downright disturbing at times.

And yet, Maggie found herself unable to come between what she perceived to be the bond between mother and son, and each time Henry denied her, she kept quiet, letting her dismay wash over her and disperse into the darkest corners of the house.

***

Henry was a quiet boy, and Maggie couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or not. He was much like a ghost, the proof of his existence manifesting itself in small, understated ways. A few footsteps upstairs, a missing apple, the sound of a door creaking open. It was like he wasn’t used to living in a house or something. She wondered whether this was just his way of dealing with his grief or if he was always like this.

“Do you have any place to go? Afterwards, I mean.” Maggie asked during dinner one day.

“Sort of.” Henry seemed reluctant to continue, so Maggie did for him.

“It’s not like you’d want to stay here much longer anyway, I’m sure. Why do you think your mother ran away?” Maggie laughed, and even surprised herself with how bitter she sounded.

“It’s not so bad.” Henry replied. “How close were you to my mom?”

He watched her steadily as she ate. He sometimes looked like he was waiting for a particular answer to come to him. Ellen had had moments like that too, where it seemed like some great worldly truth had lodged itself within her, and she was simply navigating her way through its secrets.

“Depends on when you’re talking about,” Maggie started, not bothering to meet his eyes. “But we were very close when we were young. Almost like sisters.”

Henry’s eyes didn’t move. “So what happened?”

“You should’ve asked your mother.”

“She wouldn’t have told me anyway.”

It had been two and a half weeks since Henry’s arrival, and Maggie could comfortably say that they had passed the point from being strangers to acquaintances. She wondered how long he was planning on staying.

“You’re a freshman, right? Don’t you have school or something?”

“When mom got really bad I decided to take the rest of the year off. It made things easier on her, especially when we moved back here.”

“Must have been hard for you.”

Henry shrugged. “Not really. I’m used to moving around. Mom always liked that sort of stuff. It’s like she felt like she was missing out on something if she stayed in one spot for too long.”

“I don’t get that.” Maggie said, digging into her baked potato. “Seems to me like you miss out on more if you don’t bother to slow yourself down every now and then.”

“Is that why you’re still here?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, really.”

There was a moment of heavy silence as the two of them continued their meal.

“She always talked about you.” Henry resumed his gaze. “No matter where we went.”

“That’s funny, because you’d never be able to tell from her actions.”

“I’m sure she had her reasons. You should know that.”

“Listen,” Maggie finally looked at him, trying to match his stare. “Whatever you think you might have heard about me not wanting to see Ellen, or avoiding her, whatever, you can just shove it. She’s the one who disappeared, and she’s the one who didn’t even have the decency to stay alive long enough so I could ask her why.” Maggie stopped herself, realizing she might have crossed a line she never intended to cross. Or maybe she did. She didn’t know why she was getting so angry. She could always kick him out if it really bothered her that much.

“Sorry,” She offered, not exactly sure what she was sorry about.

Henry returned to his food. Somehow this made Maggie even more irritated. He had a habit of starting conversations with her without bothering to end them. If there was anything Maggie hated, it was loose ends. She could tell that there was something he wanted to say, or maybe something he wanted her to say. Why wouldn’t he tell her what he wanted? She wasn’t a mind reader.

They finished their dinner in silence.

***

A week later Maggie was cleaning the house. She often cleaned when she wanted to think, and stopped once she was done thinking. The house was perpetually half-cleaned. She preferred it like this. This way, she didn’t have to worry about what she would do once the cleaning was done.

She thought about what Ellen would say if she could see her now. She occasionally had thoughts like these. Would Ellen be happy to see her? Relieved? Dismayed? Maybe she would feel embarrassed. Maggie tried to imagine it. Ellen, standing on the porch facing Maggie, head slightly turned down so her eyes had to look up in order to see Maggie’s face. It was her way of apologizing. Maggie had seen it countless times after their fights. They would stare at each other for a moment, a comfortable silence before finally embracing wordlessly. That’s how it would go.

The last time she’s seen Ellen. It had been a clammy summer afternoon, and the air was heavy with moisture making it difficult to breathe. Ellen was at the doorway. Papers were scattered on the ground, but she made no move to pick them up. Her expression that day was strangely hard and Maggie, for the first time in her life, found it difficult to look Ellen in the face. Instead she looked at Ellen’s hands. They were long and elegant. Noble hands. That cheap ring could never do them justice. He would never do her justice. Ellen was too young; she didn’t know what she really wanted. She couldn’t know. Ellen was so stubborn. Why didn’t she ever listen when it was important? It was better to stay here. Maggie tried to tell her, but as soon as she stepped forward Ellen turned away.

She screwed up.

***

Maggie was just starting to sweep the kitchen floor when Henry came back from the cemetery. He walked to the counter, taking a seat. He looked tired.

“So how’s the tombstone going?”

“It’s not up,” he said, looking down. “Won’t be for a while.”

Maggie stopped sweeping. “Henry. I don’t believe that crap any more than you do.”

“I don’t see why you can’t.”

“Why are you still here?”

“Because you haven’t kicked me out yet.” Henry glanced up at her, not saying anything more. It was infuriating. She put the broom down and approached him, her face stony.

“I have more important things to do than try to decipher what you mean and what you want. If you want to say something to me, say it, or you can just get out.”

“Do you want to see her?”

Maggie took a step away from Henry, “What do you mean?”

“I can take you to her.”

***

It had just rained, and the ground was soft with dampness. Maggie’s boots squelched against the mud as they walked.

“Where are we going?”

“We’re nearly there.”

They weren’t going towards to the cemetery. They weren’t even that far from Maggie’s house. Since Maggie still lived in the neighborhood she grew up in, she knew the area very well. She looked at the houses, finding their familiarity comforting. She began to catalogue each house in her head. To the left was the Johnson’s house, and next to that the Miller’s. And next to that was—

Henry halted in front of a large brown house. It must have been a grand house in its prime, but it looked like it hadn’t been lived in years, the wood was decaying and the windows were broken. The door had detached itself from the doorway; long after the papers in the room it led to had been picked up. Maggie knew this house. She knew it well. She could still see Ellen’s silhouette in the doorway.

“Why are we here?” Maggie asked quietly. “This isn’t a cemetery.”

In the front yard there was a hole, the beginnings of what appeared to be a shoddy attempt at repair, or maybe preparations for demolition. The hole wasn’t deep, but seemed like it had been worked at quite a bit to look presentable. There were flowers placed around its perimeter. Tulips, she supposed. They looked worn down. Henry walked over to its opening. He shuffled through his bag, pulling out what looked to be a rather heavy-looking clay container.

“Why are we here?” Maggie repeated, refusing to move forward.

“When Mom died we didn’t have enough money for a burial so we had her cremated. It was her idea. The hospital fees were more than we expected them to be. I could have sprinkled a bit of her everywhere we lived so everyone would have a piece of her but there was no point. No one would notice. It would just be dirt to them. I wanted to give her a proper burial, because if I didn’t she might as well have not existed at all. Not that this is proper.” Henry’s laugh was hollow as he motioned to the wooden stick he had wedged into the ground to serve as a makeshift tombstone. Maggie wondered if the only difference between a laugh and a cry was which direction your mouth tilted.

“She wanted to be buried here. For the life of me I can’t see why, but I tried.” Henry said. He looked so small in front of the hole. Maggie didn’t know what to say. Did he want her to comfort him? Is that why he came? She could feel her boots sinking into the mud.

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Watching is enough.” Henry stared at her, and she could feel his eyes bore into her skull. It was a strange expression, halfway between sympathy and apathy. It was unbearable. She looked at the ground, lifting her eyes up only high enough to see the urn in his hands. He pulled the top up and shook out its contents into the cavity. It took less than a minute. Maggie didn’t want to believe it. She wanted to search for Ellen in the ashes for herself but she felt a weight, years in the making, pressing down on her feet and preventing her from taking one step towards the grave.

“What now?” Maggie said, not to anyone in particular. Henry didn’t respond, the empty bottle still in his hands.

“You just don’t get it, do you?” Henry started again, his voice wavering with restrained emotion, “You don’t get it and you never will. Now I see why my mom left this place.”

“Stop it,” Maggie said, “Stop acting like I’m the bad guy here. I’m just as lost as you are, okay? At least she’ll always be a mother to you. I don’t—I don’t even know why I’m here.” Her feet wouldn’t move. And she wasn’t sure if she wanted them to move.

“You don’t know? You’re just a coward. You know why you’re over there,” Henry said, hugging the empty urn to his chest and looking at hole once more. There was an awkward restlessness about him, as if he didn’t quite know what to do with his emotions. “But so was mom, so I guess you were perfect for each other.”

“What are you saying?” Ellen spat back, feeling embarrassed for some reason. Henry gave her a hard look, and then deflated, pulling the container closer to his chest.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m sorry. Forget I said anything.”

He looked so young clutching that urn. Maggie couldn’t stand looking at him. She felt guilty, and resented him for making her feel this way. Why did he bring her here? Was this Ellen’s final act of revenge on her, to make Maggie wait nineteen years before forcing her to see what’s become of her best friend?

Ellen didn’t know anything about her. She didn’t know how hard Maggie tried to forget about her, and the humiliation she felt the day that Ellen left with that man. It took Maggie so long to get over it all by the time she realized what she could have done to reconcile their relationship it was too late. It was too late, because she knew that no matter what there would always be a Henry between the two of them, and Maggie could never be strong enough to live with that fact.

And now all she was left with was Henry. Henry, standing before Ellen’s ashes, a testament to how powerless Maggie was to change anything. It was unbearable.

“This is ridiculous. I’m going home.” Maggie said, turning her back to Henry before pausing for a moment. “I don’t know what you or Ellen wanted out of me, but I can’t give it to you.”

“All she…no. No, not just Mom, me too. I just wanted someone to realize she had lived. That she was a real, living person once. I thought,” Henry seemed to be choking on his words, “I thought that if anyone, you would understand. She talked about you so much.”

Maggie couldn’t will herself to turn around. She never could.

Her boots were caked in mud. She would have to watch out not to track it back into the house.

maiteoida @ 2009-06-17T23:29:00

2009-06-18T03:51:15Z

My first picture on my new computer (incidentally, it's named Ari and its harddrive is Lily since I'm a dork like that). :D I'm feeling a bit more settled, so I finally sat myself down to do a more complete picture. I've been doing little noncommittal sketches here and there for the past week, but it wasn't until now that I felt like I could do a bit more...whew. It's good, since I need to get started on Overland again soon.

Still wish I had a better place to draw though, ugh my back...

Bit the bullet

2009-06-11T14:32:09Z

...and finally joined Twitter. Anyone who tweets, my name on there is atroquininium.

The house is being remodeled and everything is in disarray...considering that I just sent all my shit from college back here, this is very distressing as I can't really unpack anything because I have no place to put things. Uuugggh. I want to get back to drawing and everything but the lack of space is really bothering me, sigh. I'll figure things out.

I still can't help but feel like I'm just going to return to school in September...it's just so weird knowing that I'm done. I'm sure once I start actually paying taxes and doing more adult things this feeling will wear off. :D; Still.

So...

2009-06-07T23:52:56Z

As of today I now possess a Bachelors of Art in Japanese with a concentration in International Studies. Graduation was a bittersweet experience--despite how excited I am to finally be done, I'm just really sad I won't be seeing the wonderful friends I spent the good portion of my four years with. I cried a little, but now I'm even more determined to not be stupid and keep in contact with everyone from now on. Right, mortalysis? Right.

More stuff later when I get back home.